I think we both finally realized tonight that nothing is ever going to be as it is right now, right this very moment. Nothing can be the same, as easy and simple as we have it. Whether we get through this next year together or not, things will never be as carefree as they’ve been this past year, last summer, these endless days we have of living five minutes away from each other, no responsibilities, nothing tying us down. These open summer nights of going on adventures, eating too much ice cream and watching the stars are numbered now. And there is really nothing we can do about it.

sometimes I spend whole hours thinking back on the past not because I wish it was happening again just because I’m scared if I don’t I will forget any of it ever happened in the first place. Just four weeks ago I went skydiving, yes the real kind, the jumping out of a fucking plane at 12,500 feet kind with a boy I loved but when I try my hardest to think about or when people ask me, “hey victoria how was it?” I don’t even know how to answer. I don’t even know what the answer is. I don’t even know if I really remember it. If I can’t even remember a day like that, a day where I was scared and excited and anxious and in love and so so so so damn happy then what about the normal days? The drab, color-less, gray days of my past eighteen years. Are they just going to cease to exist at all? No memory or feelings associated with them whatsoever? Months have rushed by, weeks, and days. This entire year of my life has been so fast I can’t even understand if it meant anything to me, if it left any impact, any significance on me as an living, breathing human being. Or if the people that were a part of it, realize they were, if they even know me. I can’t leave this all behind

Goblin couple goddamit new insecurity

I really just hate myself. And I just feel really stuck and scared and alone right now. And most of all stuck. There’s no way I’m gonna come out of this ok. I will be upset and I’m so scared to get like that again. I don’t even have any friends anymore. And I don’t like to do anything at all. Not even sleep, because of how much I hate getting up. I wish I’d never met you or let it go this far. Of wish id never met most of you actually. All of you even.

All I know is back then I looked in the mirror and told myself that whatever it took i was going to change, I wanted to be different.  These days, I find myself looking in the mirror thinking, what have I become.

You sit there thinking you are all very mature and you’ve got it all very together victoria. Well you know what? Start acting like it. Start realizing there will be consequences to your actions and if you fuck up now all those big dreams you rave about won’t be happening, not even close. Work hard for once in your life. Stop fucking around and stop making excuses. Appreciate who you have while you have them. And most of all..you know what most of all.

I’ve realized that throughout this whole process of wanting to get into schools purely so I can say I got in, I know want to tell nobody. I never feel like anyone will understand the happiness or accomplishment of getting in besides myself. And to be honest, I don’t even know if I am happy.

I don’t want to fucking wake up at 8 tomorrow to do ACT prep. I don’t want to have to go to work after that. I don’t want to be stuck in this relationship. I don’t want to be awkward at all things related to sex. I don’t want to look like a boy. I don’t want to go back to fucking school just to work hard for nothing. I don’t want to ever get out of bed again. I hate everything tonight, but I know by morning I’ll be fine.